Ok, not the most flattering photo. I know. It's my belly when it was pregnant FYI. As I was putting Lachlan down to sleep Friday afternoon, I was trying to scroll through my phone to see if I had any pictures of me pregnant with Maisie in one of the last days she was alive. Friends, I did not document this pregnancy anywhere near as closely as I did with Isla or Lachlan. This was my 3rd time around the block, I was busy taking care of 2 kids at home, and I don't get may opportunities to take pictures OF myself. This photo was taken Monday, December 7th at 3:31PM. Maisie passed later that week. It's quite literally 1 of 3 or 4 pictures I even have of my belly bump. I wish I could tell you exactly what I was thinking when I took this picture. All I can recall is that she was moving a lot as I must have been sitting on the couch relaxing during nap/quiet time. I think I thought my belly button looked silly as she was putting a lot of pressure on me in the moment. I don't have much of Maisie, and seeing how few photos I had of her when I knew she was alive is heartbreaking. Lachlan finally dozed off as I realized this was the last picture I really had of her alive with me. So I ran to my room and had a complete breakdown. Sprawled out on my bed, face in the covers, ugly crying with lots of tears. I was happy to get a good cry in though, because tears run out really quickly and I haven't been able to big cry in a long while. I wish I had the thought to take one last picture of her in my belly once we found out she was gone. Of course, who would think of that in the dreadful moments we were living. But... there are regrets. This is one of many. I won't get into them all right now. They are all little things - nothing life changing (or saving). But when you don't get any more moments with your child, you regret some of the things you didn't do while their heart was still beating.
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AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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