I’ve been feeling kind of sad this week. A feeling I just can’t shake. No specific reason. No big trigger. Just feeling off and bummin’. I’m really missing Maisie. And then the complicated emotions and thoughts swirl from there.
I start to feel guilty for being pregnant again. Even though initially after Maisie was born, the one hope I clung to was getting pregnant again ASAP - because I really want a baby. I want to complete my family. I don’t want a large age gap for my children, which is already larger than it could or should have been. Don’t get me wrong - I am glad I am expecting. But then in a way it feels dishonorable to Maisie. And then I feel I’m dishonoring my current baby girl. Because I’m wishing I had Maisie, and then in turn I wouldn’t have this baby #4. I mean, I guess I could tie it up in a bow and say how I just want them both. But it seems more complicated with that. And it’s just unfair and not right to have to manage this push and pull. And then I am meeting new people as fall activities resume… and I am telling them how many kids I have. And I’ve got it down pretty good. “This is Isla - she is 5. This is Lachlan, he’s over 2.5. My daughter Maisie was born still last December, so she’s in heaven. And now I’m expecting another baby girl in January.” But I kind of don’t want to say that last part. It seems like this baby is a cherry on top, or a happy ending to a sad story when I follow up that Maisie’s dead, but I’m pregnant again. So things feel tough right now. Complicated emotions I didn’t imagine would come in up PAL (PAS). But here they are, and I am working through them. Though life seems like a whirlwind right now. And I feel like I’m waiting for the next thing, but now I don’t know if there ever is going to be a next thing. When this baby is born, then what kind of emotions and sadness am I going to deal with in loving her - yet missing Maisie. The grief whirlwind doesn’t seem like it will end.
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AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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