I hide from my grief by staying busy. Job titles include: Mother of 2 (wait, no, 3), Household Manager/Cleaner/Cook, Center Director/Teacher for Music Together MinnyMelody, etc. I keep busy. Especially when Monday morning rolls around and I kick the household back into gear after a weekend “off.” Breakfast, dishes, clean up the kitchen, shower, clean up my bedroom, start laundry, make lunch, eat lunch, lesson plan for my spring semester of music class, get my instruments together, switch laundry… and then after all that is completed I finally pause for the day. I stop. And I get stuck. And the grief hits me. “No, no, no… what else can I do to stay busy?!” But I can’t find the next thing to do because my body is so overwhelmed feeling the loss again. I freeze up. So then I look at a keepsake for Maisie… today, her funeral bulletin. And then the tears finally flow. But I am hiding across the house, trying to be quiet, so that my kids don’t see me break down.
At first I stayed super busy right after we lost Maisie. There was SO much to do. So, so, so much business, paperwork, updating people, responding to people, funeral planning, all while recovering from BIRTH! I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off… people who saw me or talked to me may have been thinking in the back of their mind, “Is Chelsie OK? She seems too OK for just having given birth to a dead baby.” Nope, I was definitely NOT OK. But being busy at that time felt like the only way I could “mother” Maisie. Anything I could do for my little baby was me just being her mother, taking care of her, taking care of her memory and legacy. Sit down and write her obituary to send to our funeral director. Got it! Oh, Pastor, you need this information from me for the funeral. Let me get it for you in 2 seconds. No, I don’t want your help taking down her table set up at the funeral… I just want to do it myself. On and on and on. And now, there is less and less to do to stay busy with Maisie specific stuff. I still definitely have items on my Maisie To Do list. And I still search for ways to remain busy. I honestly don’t think I’ve fully ever had a relaxing moment since she’s been gone. Even though I think I’ve done some “relaxing” things technically… I can guarantee you my mind was still buzzing like a busy bee. My life in general does keep me busy. (Remember all those job titles I listed above?) So I can’t help but to keep noticing, after a day or a morning of staying busy, I find myself in an odd, strange, bizarre mood once I wrap up my to do’s. And I’m pretty sure that icky feeling is the grief coming and smacking me back into the reality that is now my life. #maisiemarthaofsthun #stillbirth #stillbirthbreakthesilence #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #stillamama #stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss #umbilicalcordaccident #stillbornbutstillborn #bornstill
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AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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